i am going to be a pharmacist.

i feel like this last year has been the ultimate test of my patience. i am not the type of person who likes to wait for anything. actually i take that back, i can handle waiting for my food, my hazelnut latte, or holding on the phone for a prior authorization representative to help me with a patient's insurance problem. but life-changing decisions, i'm not a big fan of waiting for those. i've had moments of complete weakness and self-doubt that maybe this wasn't meant to happen but now the wait is finally over and i can finally breathe a little. i am going to UCSF SCHOOL OF PHARMACY in september. i cried for a good five minutes when i opened the letter. i really tried to imagine how i would react if i got accepted or rejected and this is definitely not what i imagined. i just cried and said OH MY GOD repeatedly at least 100 times. the call to my parents after was filled again with many "oh my gods" and "is this really real?" i don't know if i'll really believe this is real until i am actually there.

it's times like these that make me appreciate all the things around me. every time i think about how unreal it is that i will be going to ucsf and moving to san francisco i get overly excited and do a little happy dance inside my head. but my happy dance is also followed by a wave of sadness because there is alot i'm leaving behind in irvine and simi valley. my family, my friends, my returningloves, my KM, my pharmacy. it's alot and i know there is a bigger future for me in sf but there is a bittersweet sadness that lingers whenever i just take a moment to take everything in.

this year off has taught me so much. it could be a whole other post and i will save that for another day. but for now all i can say is that i am beyond content with life. nothing can top this feeling and i thank God for this opportunity. i just feel really really blessed. i don't know if anybody questions this but how is it that this can happen to me (or you)? like it sounds really selfish of me to even question but for the most part i've gotten everything i've ever wanted. i've been told by alot of people that i have "the perfect life." i really don't believe that i have the perfect life. but one thing i do believe is that hard work does pay off. and to me, this is just another example of hard work paying off. a very surreal example--somebody pinch me.

to add to all this good news, the cole haan bag i've been saving up for months now is finally on sale, such perfect timing it's bananas. it will be my gift to myself.

homebody.

today i literally spent all day in bed. i didn't really get out of bed until about 6 to clean my room a little bit. and i only left it around 1 to make some food. after the craziness of last week i feel like i'm allowed to be this lazy and enjoy the "me" time i so missed out on last week. today was the perfect day to catch up on all my tv shows, watch sex and the city the movie for the 15th time, and satisfy my every little craving brought on by the lovely pre-menstrual cycle. it was also the perfect day for alot of thinking. i usually hate being left alone with my thoughts but today was so needed.

i spent monday night with an old roommate and friend. it's always fun catching up with mindy because i know she always has a good story to tell and hot man stories to share. she is living the single la life i could only dream of. i don't think i would ever have the balls to pull off half the things she can but i love her more for that. in any case, she shared her fortune cookie that she got one day that read "behind every able is man is another one." for some reason it really resonated with me and it left me with some sort of peace or hope that everything will be ok. the reality of the situation with me and anthony is that we weren't meant to be. we have become two very different people and i'm happy to say that i can let that part of me go now. i am genuinely happy for him and he deserves someone that will make him happy.

so it may have been the fact that i watched sex and the city again but i swear everytime i watch the movie i get inspired by the fashion. i also spent part of the day going through a couple different fashion blogs and i can't even begin to tell you how inspired i felt from all the different design aesthetics. its like this secret little happy place in my heart that comes alive from beautiful clothing, art and design. if i didnt love science so much i would love to explore the world of fashion. once i am settled financially, i dream of having a closet as fabulous as carrie bradshaw's.

this blog is all over the place. but so are my thoughts today. and i don't apologize for that. today i thought alot about my km newbies. our year as the newbieloversof09 is over. i love my class. i look forward to every time we get to hang out and share a meal together because i know it will always include laughing so hard it hurts, good food, good company, and good talks. if i could only show you my mental list of pros and cons to auditioning again for km you would see my class in bolded caps at the top of the pros list. i would not have made it to the end of this year without them and the thought of not being there with them in the future breaks my heart a little bit. so for now i have decided to audition again in hopes of keeping our class together for as long as possible.

my chocolate cravings are out of control right now.

works in progress.

i am pretty bruised and sore and it's only day 2 of practice. the set is starting to look amazing already. it blows my mind the level of talent and choreography on this team, even to this day. the set is definitely a work in progress and it seriously is some of the best choreo i've seen from our choreographers. but anyways, i just felt the need to blog and tell something or someone that i am happy. happy with where i am at this very moment.

i may not be in happy in a couple minutes when i head to work and it's guaranteed to look like a bomb went off, but i am happy. my days are challenging but they are so worth it at the end. when you work this hard, you seriously get the best sleep. the h1n1 vaccine is killing our store but i am hoping this is just because the vaccine is new and everyone is trying to work around the set protocol i put in place. everyday i just try to think of any way to make the administration go smoother but that too is just a work in progress.

many things at the moment are a work in progress. the preparation for my interview is a work in progress. i am dying to get my hands on the outline of the health reform bill, but all i can find are small articles with minor details and reminding me of the fact that the bill is close to 600+pages. i am ready to jump back into learning and reading and studying. i miss it.

i hate to rub it in people's faces that i am happy, especially if they're not. but this is the kind of happy you have to tell someone about. 2010 you're proving yourself to be a good year. time to kick some ass at work. =)

finally feel like me.

so much has happened this year. it's almost too much to account for all the ups and downs but i am beyond ecstatic to be ending this year on an up. 2009 has been a year that i've learned alot--alot about myself, where i want to go in life, and what makes me happy. this year has been somewhat of a roller coaster. started the year with pharmacy school interviews, waitlists, acceptances and rejections. spring and summer brought kaba modern, spop royal year, and one of the best summers of my life. and finally the end of this year has been the struggle to transition to full-time work, living on my own, re-applying for pharmacy school, and being truly single. i'm learning to rely on myself, as i've been pretty emotionally dependent on my family and others for most of my life. for the last 3 months i've kind of been in this funk where i haven't felt completely like myself, but i think that's finally over. i'm starting to feel like me. a different me, but a better me i hope. i know i have alot more to learn but i am so thankful for this year off. i love my job more and more. &i can't wait to see what this industry has in store for me. i want to learn everything about it and just soak it up like a sponge. there are some days when i can't stand some of my co-workers, but at the end of the day i still love my job. i couldn't see myself doing anything else. the upcoming year brings on a second chance at the biggest interview of my life so far. february 12 2:30pm can't come any sooner. at work, it brings on the administration of the H1N1 vaccine provided completely by the county. i am responsible for all the insurance and government billing. as for dance, we are starting a brand new set for VIBE XV and i am so excited to be able to compete with KM. this may be the end of my dance career, and as i've told the team this is the best way i can imagine to go out.

i am so ready 2010. happy new year!

free write.

it's been awhile mr. blog. i almost don't even know what to write about or where to start.

i know that right now i'm in this weird phase of my life. not really knowing what's next or where i'm headed. maybe a rough patch? i don't know. it's not all bad. it's become more clear recently how much i really want to go into pharmacy. what aspect of it i'm not sure 100% sure, but my 8 hours days in the pharmacy everyday have assured me that this is what i want to do and where i need to be. i've also learned i like to teach. we've been having pharmacy technician students who go to these vocational schools come do their externship hours and it's part of my responsibility on their first couple of days in the pharmacy to make sure they know what they are doing. i have some hopeless students but there are the ones that slowly but surely start to get it. and just knowing that i helped along the way feels good and if they show some potential, we might even put in a good word for them to get a job at a CVS somewhere. i've kind of assumed the role of lead pharmacy technician at our store with jane on maternity leave and it's nice being able to solve all the complicated insurance rejections and deal with our tough customers. i especially enjoy seeing our regulars come in and not even have to ask their DOB or telephone numbers. i love being able to help a customer that is sick or in pain and be able to get their meds out quicker than expected. i love surprising customers without insurance with discount cards and coupons to save them money. i love spending hours on the phone with insurance companies working on prior authorizations and seeing that my hard work pays off and that the medication is covered. that is why i love working in the pharmacy. i really really hope and pray that ucsf works out this year. i want this so bad.

something that is changing or has changed is dance to me. the more that things become more clear as to what i want to do with my life, the more blurred my other so-called passions have become. i don't know if i want to come back to km next year. it's something i've been struggling with for the past couple of months now that the year is almost over and it's time to pick new coords. it's just been lingering in my head. i've made a list of pros and cons but i haven't made a decision yet. it's almost too complicated to explain. i do know that i love this team and every single person on it--especially my newbie class. that i know without a doubt. but dancing has changed for me and it hasn't felt the same in a long time. so january&vibe is a big deciding factor as to whether i decide to audition again or not. maybe this is all just a part of growing up?

lately i've learned that i did make the right decision in staying in irvine. that i do know. so many times since i've decided to stay i've thought about moving back home to simi. partly to retreat from the big, scary real world and all its responsibilities but i know that i can't. it's overwhelming at times but i need to prove to myself that i can do this. life is too different at home now. i love my friends back at home but we've grown apart too much. it's nice to see them and reconnect every once in awhile, but i don't think they get or understand me nearly as well as the friends i've made in irvine. recently, i took a trip to vegas with some of my closest friends. and it was seriously one of the best trips of my life. i could go anywhere with them and have so much fun. it was the simple things that meant the most about that trip. the company, the meals prepared together, the conversation&laughs we shared. i hope to have trips like that more often. i'm hoping to plan a trip to san francisco&napa sometime between christmas and new years. i really do love my friends. they're amazing. they might not know it but they're helping me get through this rough patch.

&without getting into it too much, i'm single. i don't think i'm ready to date, but i'm not closed to the idea. i just want a cute boy to take care of me. haha :)

it's time to go to work. and make more money to pay for the damage of my retail therapy.

i'm a big girl now.

i will never have my parents support when it comes to dance. i don't think they will ever understand what dance means to me and how much i need it in my life. i told them today about my audition for clipper girls and a part of me expected some sort of support but instead i was met with "whys" and "why do you think you need to do that?" i tried telling them that i want to make use of what is looking like a year off before pharmacy school. i refuse to just work and let 16 years of dance disappear in a matter of a month. i know they don't understand why i dance and it is hard for them to be supportive, but for God sakes i am an adult now. its so hard to hear my dad say "why didn't you just major in dance in college?" when clearly that was never an option when i applied for college. they made it very clear that i was going to college for a "real" degree. i don't regret not being a dance major because i know things worked out for the best. i am blessed to have accomplished and experienced what i have and i wouldn't change that for the world. i just wish they took my determination to never limit myself and saw it in a positive light rather than see all my extracurriculars as a waste of my time.

so tomorrow, i will dance because i love to dance. with or without my parent's support.

reflection.

it's graduation season & it signals the end of a great four years at uci. i have lots to be thankful for. and numerous people to thank for getting me to where i am today. the good times in otero, suite 203, my 3 years on the uci dance team, spop (gold year & ___ year), kaba modern, the funniest &most amazing roommates ever mindy chen &jenny tran, actually completing my b.s. in biological sciences a quarter early, researching at the uci medical school, working at the pharmacy & fashion island, tutoring the most adorable 5-year-old ever...the list goes on and on but i feel so blessed and honored to have had this college experience. i am so grateful to the friends that i have kept from high school and for the ones i have made in college.

i just have so many beautiful memories of these last four years and having spop to top it off this summer is one of the best ways i could think of to part with this campus. one more opportunity to give back to this campus that has shaped me into the person i am today. coming back as a returner is truly a unique experience and i am so lucky to be a part of this year's returners. collectively, they are such a special group of people and i am lucky to be one of them. i can't wait for summer!!

i still really don't know what this summer or the future holds for me at this point. i am still waiting for news from ucsf but i am planning for the future in terms of re-applying. i was a little disappointed when i asked the ucsf director of admissions for advice in terms of re-applying and things i could work on. he basically told me i was well-qualified as i am on the waitlist and the school would be happy to have me but that it was a matter of space. if only ucsf took 136, not 122. so far i am #12 (having moved up 2 spots from #14) but things are looking kind of grim right now with how slow the list is moving. we get another update next week but to be honest, i kind of don't care anymore. i got my hopes up way too high with the last round of updates so i don't want to go through that disappointment again. if it's meant to happen this year, it will happen. for now, i just want to re-focus my energy on my application and any possible way to make it better. i can't believe it's that time of the year again but now i know i'm ready to better handle this emotional rollercoaster of pharmacy school applications. i know what to expect and i know what's coming my way so i think i'll be okay this time around. if there's anything i've learned through this whole process is patience. God works in strange ways. it's getting better, i swear.

but really to all my friends, new and old, i can't thank you all enough for entering my life and making it that much better :)