chin up, kiddo.

the last few months have been rough, i will admit. i came out of summer on such a high with the whole SPOP experience under my belt and the relief of finishing pharmacy school applications, but i wasn't prepared for the sick-to-my-stomach, can't-move-can't-think paralysis that ensues every time i think about what's next and what the future holds. i'm so worried about getting into a school and so worried about where life will take me that i feel like i haven't had time to focus on the positives about next year.

i was talking to one of my "cousins"/family friends who applied for law school and is also undergoing this torturous "waiting process." i'm so relieved to know that i'm not the only one who feels like waiting to hear from schools is actually more stressful than actually applying. i was so happy to hear her say she gets "angry" and i too, get "angry" in only a way that a med school, law school, dental school, etc. applicant can understand. it's really this sense of being on-edge not knowing what is next. is the next letter in the mail going to be an invitation for an interview or a rejection letter? stressing about my personal statement in no way compares to the stress that follows once you submit your application. i guess i was just expecting a sense of relief after i submitted but i was only met with what seems like double the stress. maybe it just seems more stressful than it really is or should be because being the OCD person i am, i always like to know where i'm headed and what's next. and when i don't know, i feel like i'm out of control and my life is crazy. i know the only remedy to the situation is to just be more patient with this process but i swear ever since i was little, my biggest downfall has been patience. to this day, i have to remind myself to stop, breathe, take it all in, and let it go.

unfortunately, i think i've let this whole application process and the uncertainties of next year get to me. and i'm starting to realize that instead of worrying about next year and what may happen i really need to just focus on the positives of next year. in a little over a week, i will be starting my last quarter at UCI. these last four years have gone by faster than i could have imagined and i could not have asked for a better experience. i accomplished things i never would have imagined myself doing and i feel very lucky to come out with such an amazing college experience. next year's plans include applying for SPOP returner, as well as auditioning for kaba modern. i know that whatever happens next year in terms of these opportunities will be somewhat life changing. SPOP has a special place in my heart that only those who have done the program understand. i am beyond content with my GOLD YEAR experience, but i know i would regret not applying and giving it one more go to give back to a school and a community that has fostered my growth in more ways than one. kaba modern has been a team that i've watched since i first came to UCI. the dancers, past and present, inspire me to be a better dancer. my "cousin" ria introduced me to them since she was so heavily involved with kababayan and this year, after a failed attempt my first year and much encouragement from steph and kelli, i am going to tryout. i never did hip hop during my 15+ years of training at a studio. all i did was ballet, lyrical, and jazz...afraid to try anything else. crazy how things have changed!

so for now, i will keep my head up and try my best to be excited for next year...whatever it is that happens. i've been blessed with good health, a good family, and good friends. i just need to take the time to smell the roses.

patience. patience. patience,


as for my love life, its a disaster. but i will save that for next time.