finally feel like me.

so much has happened this year. it's almost too much to account for all the ups and downs but i am beyond ecstatic to be ending this year on an up. 2009 has been a year that i've learned alot--alot about myself, where i want to go in life, and what makes me happy. this year has been somewhat of a roller coaster. started the year with pharmacy school interviews, waitlists, acceptances and rejections. spring and summer brought kaba modern, spop royal year, and one of the best summers of my life. and finally the end of this year has been the struggle to transition to full-time work, living on my own, re-applying for pharmacy school, and being truly single. i'm learning to rely on myself, as i've been pretty emotionally dependent on my family and others for most of my life. for the last 3 months i've kind of been in this funk where i haven't felt completely like myself, but i think that's finally over. i'm starting to feel like me. a different me, but a better me i hope. i know i have alot more to learn but i am so thankful for this year off. i love my job more and more. &i can't wait to see what this industry has in store for me. i want to learn everything about it and just soak it up like a sponge. there are some days when i can't stand some of my co-workers, but at the end of the day i still love my job. i couldn't see myself doing anything else. the upcoming year brings on a second chance at the biggest interview of my life so far. february 12 2:30pm can't come any sooner. at work, it brings on the administration of the H1N1 vaccine provided completely by the county. i am responsible for all the insurance and government billing. as for dance, we are starting a brand new set for VIBE XV and i am so excited to be able to compete with KM. this may be the end of my dance career, and as i've told the team this is the best way i can imagine to go out.

i am so ready 2010. happy new year!

free write.

it's been awhile mr. blog. i almost don't even know what to write about or where to start.

i know that right now i'm in this weird phase of my life. not really knowing what's next or where i'm headed. maybe a rough patch? i don't know. it's not all bad. it's become more clear recently how much i really want to go into pharmacy. what aspect of it i'm not sure 100% sure, but my 8 hours days in the pharmacy everyday have assured me that this is what i want to do and where i need to be. i've also learned i like to teach. we've been having pharmacy technician students who go to these vocational schools come do their externship hours and it's part of my responsibility on their first couple of days in the pharmacy to make sure they know what they are doing. i have some hopeless students but there are the ones that slowly but surely start to get it. and just knowing that i helped along the way feels good and if they show some potential, we might even put in a good word for them to get a job at a CVS somewhere. i've kind of assumed the role of lead pharmacy technician at our store with jane on maternity leave and it's nice being able to solve all the complicated insurance rejections and deal with our tough customers. i especially enjoy seeing our regulars come in and not even have to ask their DOB or telephone numbers. i love being able to help a customer that is sick or in pain and be able to get their meds out quicker than expected. i love surprising customers without insurance with discount cards and coupons to save them money. i love spending hours on the phone with insurance companies working on prior authorizations and seeing that my hard work pays off and that the medication is covered. that is why i love working in the pharmacy. i really really hope and pray that ucsf works out this year. i want this so bad.

something that is changing or has changed is dance to me. the more that things become more clear as to what i want to do with my life, the more blurred my other so-called passions have become. i don't know if i want to come back to km next year. it's something i've been struggling with for the past couple of months now that the year is almost over and it's time to pick new coords. it's just been lingering in my head. i've made a list of pros and cons but i haven't made a decision yet. it's almost too complicated to explain. i do know that i love this team and every single person on it--especially my newbie class. that i know without a doubt. but dancing has changed for me and it hasn't felt the same in a long time. so january&vibe is a big deciding factor as to whether i decide to audition again or not. maybe this is all just a part of growing up?

lately i've learned that i did make the right decision in staying in irvine. that i do know. so many times since i've decided to stay i've thought about moving back home to simi. partly to retreat from the big, scary real world and all its responsibilities but i know that i can't. it's overwhelming at times but i need to prove to myself that i can do this. life is too different at home now. i love my friends back at home but we've grown apart too much. it's nice to see them and reconnect every once in awhile, but i don't think they get or understand me nearly as well as the friends i've made in irvine. recently, i took a trip to vegas with some of my closest friends. and it was seriously one of the best trips of my life. i could go anywhere with them and have so much fun. it was the simple things that meant the most about that trip. the company, the meals prepared together, the conversation&laughs we shared. i hope to have trips like that more often. i'm hoping to plan a trip to san francisco&napa sometime between christmas and new years. i really do love my friends. they're amazing. they might not know it but they're helping me get through this rough patch.

&without getting into it too much, i'm single. i don't think i'm ready to date, but i'm not closed to the idea. i just want a cute boy to take care of me. haha :)

it's time to go to work. and make more money to pay for the damage of my retail therapy.

i'm a big girl now.

i will never have my parents support when it comes to dance. i don't think they will ever understand what dance means to me and how much i need it in my life. i told them today about my audition for clipper girls and a part of me expected some sort of support but instead i was met with "whys" and "why do you think you need to do that?" i tried telling them that i want to make use of what is looking like a year off before pharmacy school. i refuse to just work and let 16 years of dance disappear in a matter of a month. i know they don't understand why i dance and it is hard for them to be supportive, but for God sakes i am an adult now. its so hard to hear my dad say "why didn't you just major in dance in college?" when clearly that was never an option when i applied for college. they made it very clear that i was going to college for a "real" degree. i don't regret not being a dance major because i know things worked out for the best. i am blessed to have accomplished and experienced what i have and i wouldn't change that for the world. i just wish they took my determination to never limit myself and saw it in a positive light rather than see all my extracurriculars as a waste of my time.

so tomorrow, i will dance because i love to dance. with or without my parent's support.

reflection.

it's graduation season & it signals the end of a great four years at uci. i have lots to be thankful for. and numerous people to thank for getting me to where i am today. the good times in otero, suite 203, my 3 years on the uci dance team, spop (gold year & ___ year), kaba modern, the funniest &most amazing roommates ever mindy chen &jenny tran, actually completing my b.s. in biological sciences a quarter early, researching at the uci medical school, working at the pharmacy & fashion island, tutoring the most adorable 5-year-old ever...the list goes on and on but i feel so blessed and honored to have had this college experience. i am so grateful to the friends that i have kept from high school and for the ones i have made in college.

i just have so many beautiful memories of these last four years and having spop to top it off this summer is one of the best ways i could think of to part with this campus. one more opportunity to give back to this campus that has shaped me into the person i am today. coming back as a returner is truly a unique experience and i am so lucky to be a part of this year's returners. collectively, they are such a special group of people and i am lucky to be one of them. i can't wait for summer!!

i still really don't know what this summer or the future holds for me at this point. i am still waiting for news from ucsf but i am planning for the future in terms of re-applying. i was a little disappointed when i asked the ucsf director of admissions for advice in terms of re-applying and things i could work on. he basically told me i was well-qualified as i am on the waitlist and the school would be happy to have me but that it was a matter of space. if only ucsf took 136, not 122. so far i am #12 (having moved up 2 spots from #14) but things are looking kind of grim right now with how slow the list is moving. we get another update next week but to be honest, i kind of don't care anymore. i got my hopes up way too high with the last round of updates so i don't want to go through that disappointment again. if it's meant to happen this year, it will happen. for now, i just want to re-focus my energy on my application and any possible way to make it better. i can't believe it's that time of the year again but now i know i'm ready to better handle this emotional rollercoaster of pharmacy school applications. i know what to expect and i know what's coming my way so i think i'll be okay this time around. if there's anything i've learned through this whole process is patience. God works in strange ways. it's getting better, i swear.

but really to all my friends, new and old, i can't thank you all enough for entering my life and making it that much better :)

rest in peace.

rest in peace, grandma priscilla.

i'll always remember your love for dessert because i think i've inherited it. i always remember when we would drive cross country and you always had to have your secret stash of hershey's kisses. we would always eat them without my parents finding out how many we actually ate. i'll miss listening to you play your piano and hum outrageously early in the mornings when we were home in the philippines. i love& miss you always.

moving forward.

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up." --Grey's Anatomy

i don't care that no one watches the show anymore. i still do and i still get the warm and fuzzies.

spring break has come and gone and it was definitely a much needed break. a little bit of a rollercoaster because i heard back from ucsf and touro. i was waitlisted at ucsf and i am #14 on the waitlist and i was accepted at touro. it was such a bittersweet day because the letters arrived on the same day. the end result was a tearful cry to my mom to just vent and let it all out. it was a mixed emotion of sadness, disappointment, failure, and exhaustion. the last 6 months of waiting hell will continue for 3 more months. at any moment, they could call and i could have a spot in the class of 2013. but the waitlist will stay open until the first day of class in september so really, it's just more waiting and staying positive...at the time the letters came i had this sense of "i don't think i have it in me to re-apply" and i was thinking really hard about going to touro even though i hated my visit during my interview. but giving myself a week and a half to really think it through, i've decided to defer my acceptance at touro and wait it out at ucsf. i feel like i've come so far and got so close and i've realized where i really want to be that i'm willing to wait it out for the summer or even wait a year and re-apply. the process is seriously draining, but i feel like my application has gotten stronger and i know i can tighten my essays and maybe retake a class to show ucsf how bad i want this. i applied to ucsf without giving much thought to my essays because for me, i thought it was a longshot so knowing i have a chance this time around makes me want it even more.

so now it's just time to pick up the pieces and work even harder. my focus right now is on re-applying because i can't just sit around sulking about the waitlist--it just won't do me any good. i went through my little trauma. i got a little messed up but now it's time to step up and move forward.

& i'm going to have a spfamily to look forward to. :)

uci alumni.

i'm done! &it's the best feeling ever. :)

it's closing time.

it's been one hell of a month.

today was the last day of my undergraduate education. it was rather anticlimactic. i envisioned running out my class with a big smile on my face, perhaps jumping for joy--but no. my classes are done but i still have finals to conquer. i haven't been doing as well in my classes as i'd like but with everything going on i can't help but slack a little.

i interviewed at touro university &it didn't go as well as i hoped either. the campus lacked the energy and life that i felt at ucsf. i'm really hoping and praying for the best at ucsf. at this point it really is my only option. this application process has been such an emotional rollercoaster and i don't recommend it for the light-hearted. although, i do i think it's made me a stronger person. rejection is definitely tough but it's made my skin that much thicker. if i got an interview at ucsf, something is telling me that the #1 ranked pharmacy school in the nation saw potential in me to become a pharmacist one day. i'm just trying to stay positive about everything and i won't give up no matter what. i believe God has a plan for me and now, the rest is up to Him.

in the midst of all the pharmacy school rejections, i've accomplished two goals i set out to accomplish at the end of last year--kaba modern and spop staff returner! this year is truly turning out to be an amazing one and i don't know how it could get any better. kaba modern is a dream come true. honestly, to be surrounded and to learn from all the talented dancers on the team has been such a humbling experience. at times its been a struggle trying to pick up choreo and clean my ballerina body, but i'm starting to get the sense of what they mean when talk about the team as "family." our debut performance as the 2009 team is tonight and i'm more excited and nervous than ever. SPOP is also just around the corner. it's unreal that it's been a whole year since GOLD YEAR. i was on the fence about doing SPOP again this summer for different reasons but opening that e-mail sent that energy and passion through me all over again. i'm ready for a family, a hubby, a new color, a new set of freshman.

this year has been truly amazing so far and i can't imagine where it will go from here. if there was one thing i could change, it would be the lack of my parent's support. they don't want me in irvine for the summer. they would rather have me at home working, but to me moving back to simi valley would be taking two steps back from where i'm headed. i know it will save them money, but if i move back home i will sit around and do alot of nothing and i won't let that happen. i have 3 months to start saving up to pay everything on my own. i want to prove to them and myself that i can do it. if there is a will, there is a way. i just want their support and approval in everything i do and it just breaks my heart that i won't have it this summer. i know this might sound like a selfish statement, but it's just my rationale. i just feel like i've worked really hard my last 4 years and i've even saved them $3000 by graduating a quarter early so i feel like the least they can do is support me financially for three more months. so if anybody has a couch available this summer, i might need it.

up&DOWN.

i hate being alone with my thoughts. its dangerous for me.

it's going to be a rough week. i received rejections to ucsd (felt it coming) and to uop. uop was a hard rejection to take because it was up there on my list of realistic pharmacy schools to attend. but i just have to see it as it wasn't meant to be and i wasn't supposed to end up there. i know god has a plan for me, so i'm resorting to prayer and i am going to leave it in his hands. i have one last chance at getting an interview at usc so i am very nervous. but for now, i need to really focus on my ucsf &touro interviews.

on top of it all, km auditions are this week. &i'm officially, completely overwhelmed. and bloated.

the sick-to-my stomach, don't want to move or do anything feeling aka my slight depression that i got after sending in my applications is starting to creep back. but i'm trying hard to push through this rough patch. i know it will all work itself out in the end. i have to believe it will.

just breathe, regina. breathe.

la.

i really want to move to la or sf or ny so bad. it almost hurts.

cingulate gyrus

cingulate gyrus- n. located in the sheep brain dorsal to the corpus callosum, involved in the motivational aspects of behavior.

please, cingulate gyrus work! i need some serious motivation. but seriously, i do <3 my neurobiology lab. i've been slacking more than i've ever done in my life and it makes me feel grosse, crazy, and slightly out of control. it's so bad that i parked my car in an AR reserved spot to avoid the uphill walk from mesa parking structure to steinhaus hall and i got a well-deserved $60 ticket! i'm just completely annoyed with myself and my laziness and now i'm starting to pay for it. maybe i'm just burned out? maybe its the fact that i can't go home home this whole quarter? maybe my cingulate gyrus decided to stop working? maybe i don't want to face the reality of finishing college? i don't know what it is lately, but i'm just not in the mood to get my shit done. i need motivation.

i may have lost all motivation to wake up for class but i have not lost the desire to hang out with these girls. i love them!

the beginning of the end.

this last week started the beginning of the end--my last quarter at UCI. it's a strange feeling wanting to take in every last moment on campus and cherish it with those around you. but it doesn't really help that the very minute i sat down in class, i was over it. i don't care much for learning about supply and demand or glycolysis, again. i just want to play all day. :) yesterday, i had the most perfect afternoon. a drive down pch at sunset, dark chocolate winter mint shakes at the shake shack, and a glass of wine &sushi at mosun...it was perfect. i have no real reason for blogging at the moment, minus the fact that i'm just waiting around our apartment to start getting ready for the women's basketball game later. i think i just feel the need to write and just be without editing. so just bare with me, i'm a bit of a hott mess this morning. the baked mussels i ate last night did not agree with my stomach :/

today is one of my best friend's birthday. miss kimmy chierichetti turns 22 today and i wish her the best birthday ever!! i really love all my friends. i really do. they are such beautiful, amazing people and lately with the prospect of possibly moving to san francisco or anywhere for that fact i've been realizing how much these people mean to me and how much they will be missed. so if you're reading this, you are probably my friend. and just know that i value our friendship and thank you for being in my life. :)