moving forward.

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up." --Grey's Anatomy

i don't care that no one watches the show anymore. i still do and i still get the warm and fuzzies.

spring break has come and gone and it was definitely a much needed break. a little bit of a rollercoaster because i heard back from ucsf and touro. i was waitlisted at ucsf and i am #14 on the waitlist and i was accepted at touro. it was such a bittersweet day because the letters arrived on the same day. the end result was a tearful cry to my mom to just vent and let it all out. it was a mixed emotion of sadness, disappointment, failure, and exhaustion. the last 6 months of waiting hell will continue for 3 more months. at any moment, they could call and i could have a spot in the class of 2013. but the waitlist will stay open until the first day of class in september so really, it's just more waiting and staying positive...at the time the letters came i had this sense of "i don't think i have it in me to re-apply" and i was thinking really hard about going to touro even though i hated my visit during my interview. but giving myself a week and a half to really think it through, i've decided to defer my acceptance at touro and wait it out at ucsf. i feel like i've come so far and got so close and i've realized where i really want to be that i'm willing to wait it out for the summer or even wait a year and re-apply. the process is seriously draining, but i feel like my application has gotten stronger and i know i can tighten my essays and maybe retake a class to show ucsf how bad i want this. i applied to ucsf without giving much thought to my essays because for me, i thought it was a longshot so knowing i have a chance this time around makes me want it even more.

so now it's just time to pick up the pieces and work even harder. my focus right now is on re-applying because i can't just sit around sulking about the waitlist--it just won't do me any good. i went through my little trauma. i got a little messed up but now it's time to step up and move forward.

& i'm going to have a spfamily to look forward to. :)